It Cuts My Heart
by kumagorox3
Summary: Shuichi slowly falls into a whirlwind of mutilation and starvation. Yuki has to open his eyes and heart before it is much too late...WIP
1. first cut

Title: It Cuts My Heart

Disclaimer: Gravitation does not belong to me. It belongs to the amazing manga-ka Murakami Maki!

Rating: probably the most mature. M, right?

Warnings: there are a lot of warnings considering the title says 'cuts' in it so my story has to do with cutting, definitely YAOI, mega depressing, and some abuse……beware for the fictitious-ness of everything I'm writing

Author's Note: I'm like a beginner at stories but that doesn't mean your comments can be lenient. Give me all you got and constructive criticism is a must!

* * *

first cut

"Come here, Shu-chan, "Yuki Uesugi, my lover, whispered.

I blushed and entered Yuki's bedroom.

* * *

I grinned like a Cheshire cat gallantly walking toward N-G Studios, where I work and rehearse for my band Bad Luck. My facial features instantly froze as soon as K, my recent manager aimed his metal gun against my forehead. I knew he wasn't going to kill me but the thought still lingers through my mind.

Hiro Nakano, my best mate and the guitarist in the band was currently lying back in the leather swivel chair with his legs propped up against the cold granite conference table.

"Hey Shuichi, what's gotcha so happy? Yuki played doctor on you?"

I bit my lip, failing to hide the grin on my face.

"Whatever, Shindou. Could we please just get to rehearsing right now," Suguru complained.

What a sob. Suguru Fujisaki was so BORING. How could he be younger than me?

CRASH. Some of our lyrics fell off while Yuki was still on the tip of my brain. Oh no……

"SHINDOU-SAN, COULD YOU PLEASE STOP DAYDREAMING AND GO REHEARSE. WE WON'T BE ABLE TO MAKE A CD WITH ALL THIS SLACKING. MAYBE IT'S MY FAULT….IM A BAD PERSON!"

And then there was Sakano-san, I think he's like the director or producer…no matter. He is super worrisome and volatile. He's crying while yelling at me….he kinda creeps me out but I feel guilty for not paying attention.

"I'm sorry Sakano-san. It's not your fault! It was my fault. I'm to blame."

My guilt was weighing down my heart and I suddenly burst into tears. Now we were both crying. I don't think I'm good enough for this band. All I could think about was Yuki. Maybe he could cheer me up.

* * *

I arrived home later than usual and I was super duper tired. Just the thought of Yuki a few feet away from me made my tired self vanish and made me harden.

"YUKI! I'm home," I yelled. Silence. No response.

"Yuki?"

How about if he was kidnapped? Maybe by an eccentric fan girl? I shuddered. It felt really cold without him and my heart felt like it was getting ripped and numb.

The blonde hottie appeared in the hall, taking out a pack of cigarettes. "Could you make a louder voice without the banshees?"

I was instantly filled with joy and relief that Yuki wasn't hurt or anything. I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. But not before I glomped him and nuzzled his beautiful soft neck.

"Jeez, brat, trying to kill me?"

"Oh Yuki, I missed you so much! I thought a crazy fan girl might've kidnapped you," I cried. Tears were willing to come out for the second time of the day.

"You're such a baka."

Now they were spilling out like a water fountain. Yuki got up and straightened out his attire. I looked up with tears brimming. Was he going to pull me up?

No. He went back in his office. I am a baka.

* * *

The next day after rehearsal, I went home routinely. In some fashion, after I get sad or angry, sooner or later Yuki will apologize…..by fucking me. I think it's his way of saying he didn't mean it and I know how hard it was for him to show emotion.

We just made love. It was beautiful but sometimes I think that he could apologize…not so sexually. I hope with all my heart that he can someday break from his emotion-barrier…..

Anyways, we were going out to shop for some 'decent' clothes for me specially requested by my dear Yuki. It was strange because he usually doesn't go out with me. The several quick dates but he would never go shop for some clothes for me.

I wore some leather shorts and a red tang top. Then, I put on one leather glove with holes for every finger to go through. Disguise it with a baseball cap, put on some small black boots and VA-WALA.

Yuki looked so tantalizing in his almost see-through white t-shirt. And those pants made me droooooooool. He put on his black sunglasses covering up his gorgeous eyes as his disguise.

The store we went to was so…conservative. I was so disappointed. But, I'll to anything to please my Yuki.

I tried on some black pants while Yuki waited for me to finish up. The bad thing was that the pants would not close. I even inhaled until I think I couldn't breathe. How come these pants wouldn't close? Did I gain weight?

I looked at myself from the full length mirror. It did look like I had a lot of fat…

Then I tried the next pair. They didn't fit either nor were they comfortable.

By the third apparel of pants, I vowed to lose some weight.

"You look like a whale, Shu."

I turned around to find that Yuki was peering at me. Was he here the whole time?

"Hello…..earth to brat boy….whatever…let's go home. I'm tired of this shit. I need my ciggs."

* * *

When Yuki opened the door to the house, he went to his bedroom. Maybe he needed rest from all that waiting in the cloth store. Or maybe…he's tired of me. Was he disgusted with how I looked when I tried those pants?

I went to the kitchen to get some pocky. Stood on the stool and reached for the cabinet. I held on to the knob and paused. Wait. Didn't I say I was going to lose weight? Are pocky fattening?

I hoped they weren't. I needed to know.

I ran to Yuki's bedroom.

"Yuki?" He was like a lump of log. He didn't move an inch.

"Yuki?" He was stirring a little.

"Yu-"

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT, DAMN BRAT!"

Surprising was to say the least. His eyes were full of rage…and hatred. Was all that emotion directed toward me?

I was so shocked, I've almost forgot why I was in his room in the first place. Oh right. Pocky. What a baka I am.

"Um…Y-Yuki? I-Is p-p-pocky fattening?"

Yuki seemed distracted and said, "…Yea…you better stop stuffing your face with all that sugary crap or you might bring the Meiji company outta business. I'd probably wouldn't want you after that."

My mind froze. He wouldn't want me? Is it that he only likes it when I have a skinny figure? No wonder we haven't been having sex as much as before…..

I didn't even know I walked out of his room. Did he say something after that? Probably not. Now I'm a fat, unappealing baka.

Does he love me or my body?

* * *

R&R. This will hopefully speed up. Are you ready to check the second chapter second cut?


	2. second cut

Title: It Cuts My Heart

Disclaimer: Gravitation does not belong to me. It belongs to the amazing manga-ka Murakami Maki!

Rating: probably the most mature. M, right?

Warnings: there are a lot of warnings considering the title says 'cuts' in it so my story has to do with cutting, definitely YAOI, mega depressing, and some abuse……beware for the fictitious-ness of everything I'm writing

Author's Note: I'm like a beginner at stories but that doesn't mean your comments can be lenient. Give me all you got and constructive criticism is a must!

* * *

second cut

It seemed everything was determined when I was leaving to do my concert.

"YUKI! I'm going to go do my concert. Wish me luck!"

"Nn…."

I sighed. How about a smile? Maybe when hell freezes over. I wanted Yuki's blessing so I wouldn't make a blunder…but that happens everyday. Just one smile. A tear came out as I walked out the door.

* * *

The concert was a hit and Hiro, Suguru, and I were going to celebrate. We actually just went to a club. Suguru wasn't of age to drink but when we mentioned our band, we were pushed on in. I think we had to perform a show in exchange for Suguru's illegal violation to a nightclub. Whatever.

We got a private spot and Suguru said he needed to go to the bathroom. As if I cared. Hiro and I were lounging about. A waitress came over and asked us if we needed anything. Hiro wanted a honjozo-shu strangely while I ordered a junkai-shu, which was less alcoholic. Hiro asked if I wanted a bite of something. I was about to reply yes. Then I remember something…

"_You look like a whale, Shu."_

But that wasn't as painful as when Yuki said:

"…_Yea…you better stop stuffing your face with all that sugary crap or you might bring the Meiji company outta business. I'd probably wouldn't want you after that." _

Did Yuki mean that?

"Shuichi, is there something wrong you need to talk about?"

What? Oh, that was Hiro. He must've seen me looking like a zombie. I smiled. But the smile didn't feel right.

I was very sure Hiro could've seen past the smile. He didn't but he was still looking worried.

That night I downed three to four cups of my sake. And that night, it felt like something bad was about to begin…

* * *

I awoke to the worst hangover imagined. How could Hiro hold his liquor and I can't? I was thankful for the peaceful solitude of Hiro's apartment. My throat ached. And I could barely open my eyes.

I tried to wash that groggy, confusing feeling out of me with a warm shower. After the shower, I felt a huge twang to see my Yuki so I quickly wrote a note to Hiro, thanking him for the hospitality and I was back at Yuki's safely.

My hair was still wet and I could feel the cool water drops dripping down my neck. I quietly slipped into the house afraid if Yuki's wrath was avail prior to my partying all night.

I popped into his office. He wasn't there and I looked like a fool for five minutes.

I pressed my lips together. Where could he be? What was that? What is that noise?

It was from his bedroom and I felt a chill down my spine either from an illiteral point of view or from the water down my refreshing bath. I gulped a mass of unwanted air. My lips started trembling.

_"Yuki, don't stop. Faster, faster………"_

My chin wouldn't stop quivering.

_"PLEASE, Yuki! I'm begging you, harder!"_

And…my tears wouldn't stop coming down my face silently. I bit my lip until it started to bleed.

I shook my head. NO. NO. No. no. no. This can not be happening. This can not be happening. Not now. Not ever. Please. I mean it. This. Can't. Be. Happening. Yuki. My Yuki can't be cheating on me.

* * *

I rushed out of the house. Stumbling. Running. Just wanting to get away from this…this…dream. God tell me this is a dream. I was breaking vases and trembling like a first-born baby. Did Yuki think I was baby? Was I annoying? That annoying he would cheat on me? Was this the first time he cheated on me? Why?

No, it couldn't be. I lived too long with him for him to just do that…it must be because I gained weight….no, I'm a horrible lover and I must've done something very bad…and I should be punished like a bad lover should. So….how should I punish myself?

I'm panicking. HOW SHOULD I PUNISH MYSELF? I didn't know where I was. I didn't care. This was too overwhelming. Too…too overwhelming…I'm so stupid. So dumb. How could I not tell that Yuki was not interested in me anymore? How come….everything is fading black?

* * *

Ugghhh….I blinked. Where the hell am I? And why does my heart hurts so much? Then, all of the current things that happened rushed inside my brain. I whimpered. Now I know.

Disgusting. I'm in an alley. And it smells like shit. My body hurts and my heart hurts. I need somewhere to stay. I don't think I can stay at Hiro's. Ayaka, his fiancé is about to move in so even if I stayed, I would have to leave eventually.

Just thinking about moving out of Yuki's house, breaks my heart. I would probably cry packing up my belongings. I bend my head down in a fetal position and the bricks behind me scratch my back.

I dig my fingers so hard into my arms. It's on purpose. I deserve this. I deserve pain. Is this what you want Yuki? Because…I would do anything for you. Anything.

My arms start to bleed. But it's not enough. No. It's not enough pain to consume my own. I need something that could blind me from all this. I remember the rape. That was for you my love. That caused me pain. Such deep pain. But this pain right now outweighed it all.

I wiped my tears with my pierced arms. The salt mixed in with tears and it all felt so….exhilarating? I need more. More. I needed more physical pain to take away my mental one but subconsciously, I knew it would never take away the deep pain in my heart.

Licking my lips I search for something…ummm….sharp. Ah ha. Some glass from an old bottle of gin. Perfect. So unlike my life.

Studying it was beautiful. Like Yuki's sex. It glistened like Yuki's hair. And it was sharp, like Yuki's tongue. This piece of glass will be my Yuki now. My beautiful Yuki. My arms start to shake. I grip the glass and point it toward my arm but not toward some major veins. I just really need pain. Not death. At least not right now.

Quickly, I dash the glass across my arm. Huh? Just a little blood. I chuckle. A sorrowful chuckle. I gulp and furrow my brows trying to concentrate. The glass is pressed slightly down…downer….finally blood. I lift my head back and moan. Oh. So exhilarating. I switch hands and press the glass to my other arm-but I press it quick. I smile. At least this is better than drugs.

* * *

My arms have cut out black sleeves to cover up my…pain. At least my physical pain. Yesterday, I quickly grabbed all my belongings and left out the window. I did not want to disturb Yuki. Although he cheated on me, I still love him. He probably cheated on me because of something I did. I really am a stupid baka. I'm sorry Yuki. Somehow half of my heart does not agree. And I can feel it. Half of my heart feels anger and deep sorrow. This anger is so strong that I don't think I can handle it.

Of course I'm still going to N-G Studios and I'll tell Hiro about Yuki. Just not yet. Not yet. I'm not ready.

I live in an apartment near the studio so I wouldn't have to travel far. If Yuki finds out I live here…it doesn't matter. He'll find me anyways with his connections with Tohma Seguchu, the boss of N-G Corporations.

I couldn't sleep. I just couldn't. Who could? How would you feel if the person who you love so much, just cheats on you?

I wondered why he did it. I wondered how bad I was to him. I wondered how this could just happen.

This was the first time I was trying to put up a charade going to N-G Studios. I was nervous but also thrilled. I wondered if I could fool them.

I gallantly walked into the room with a large grin I hoped would fool these people. I'm sorry Hiro for lying to you. My grin froze when K's metal gun was felt on my sweaty forehead. Hiro was preparing his guitar in the leather swivel chair with his legs propped up against the conference table.

"Hey Shuichi, why are you so happy? Yuki played doctor on you?"

I was relieved he didn't find out but I was sad he couldn't see what I needed: help.

"Whatever, Shuichi. May we please get to rehearsing?"

This conversation sounded so familiar. I was thinking and accidentally knocked down some new lyrics we have written.

I groaned. Not again. I don't think I can be that hyperactive against---

"SHINDOU-SAN, COULD YOU PLEASE STOP THINKING ABOUT NONSENSE AND GO REHEARSE, WE WON'T BE ABLE TO MAKE A CD WITH ALL THIS SLACKING. MAYBE IT'S MY FAULT…I'M A BAD PERSON!"

He still kinda creeps me out and I feel guilty for not paying attention-again.

"I'm sorry, Sakano-san. It's not your fault. I'm to blame."

He was crying and yelling so I tried to cry. This was not like rocket science. I just thought about all the pain. Deep pain. And this was all about Yuki.

* * *

R&R. The story is gonna steam…but slowly. I want this story to be as realistic as possible yet still fictitious. Hope you know what I mean so get ready for third cut.


	3. third cut

Title: It Cuts My Heart

Disclaimer: Gravitation does not belong to me. It belongs to the amazing manga-ka Murakami Maki!

Rating: probably the most mature. M, right?

Warnings: there are a lot of warnings considering the title says 'cuts' in it so my story has to do with cutting, definitely YAOI, mega depressing, and some abuse……beware for the fictitious-ness of everything I'm writing

Author's Note: I'm like a beginner at stories but that doesn't mean your comments can be lenient. Give me all you got and constructive criticism is a must!

* * *

third cut

I awoke up with the feeling of hunger. I'm so hungry. When was the last time I ate?

I think it was like two days ago.

My body hurts like shit too. My ass especially. I went to the same nightclub Hiro showed me a few days ago.

I drowned all the sounds of the slut fucking with my Yuki with the bitter acerbic taste of alcohol.

I didn't know what really happened after that. It was all a big unpleasant blur. A big fucking blur.

I remembered the feeling of the tiles pressuring against my cheek, forehead, and palms. I remembered someone's hands gripping the sides of my hips. It certainly wasn't my hands.

* * *

I can barely get out of the bed. I cry out as my feet touch the floor and they echo with every single step I make. Stop the sounds. I could hear each of my struggling breaths.

The kitchen is much much smaller than the one at Yuki's. The fridge is right frickin there. Just need the fridge.

Come on.

Come on.

One more fucking step.

And I fall. My kneecaps buckled, hitting the wooden floorboards. Fucking bloody hell. My shoulders sag.

Anger. WHY? WHY? Just one step. One little step. One fucking step.

Yuki, why? How come you couldn't take me? I'm so pitiful. That's why. Right? So stupid. And ugly. Like a pig. (A/N: I actually luv piggies! And now I ruined the mood…oh boy…) Like a fucking pig.

I sneer.

Like a whale.

It has been like this for the whole…week, right? I look down and I realized that I had pounded all my anger in my fists by punching the floor. My knuckles start to sear with pain. I have to stop doing this.

I need Yuki. Maybe if I try to clear up what I did wrong…it will solve everything?

Let's see…it's probably my horrible appearance…and my sexual experience also…

I've got it. I smile weakly. Starting today, I'll lose tons of weight…though I don't know how much. We'll see. And how about my sexual experience? Ummm, who should I go to for help in sex? Dark bruises begin to show on my knuckles.

I'll go to a club or something. I think the actual sex can actually improve my sex experience.

* * *

I've thought about keeping a journal for keeping track of my 'improvement'. So far it has been 2 days from my vow. This was what was in my journal:

Mar. 25

I realize that the reason for Yuki cheating on me was actually all my fault. I never knew how much I had burdened him with my attitude, appearance, and everything I did. This is the beginning for change. For myself and for all the bad I have done to the world.

Usually every day I would eat some beef noodles, pocky …the usual. Most occasions, I'd eat breakfast, lunch, dinner and even a midnight snack. I noticed how much I really ate. Also Hiro would invite me for lunch. Café was his choice. I believe that if I only eat at lunch (with Hiro if he asks), it would stop me from gaining all that flab. My mission begins…

* * *

"Hey Shuichi!"

I turned my head and pulled my headphones down. Rehearsal was over around 15 minutes ago. The voice had belonged to Hiro.

What does he want? Had he found out about the new apartment I got recently?

"You want to go to a café or something? Would you mind if Ayaka joined us?"

Shoot. I have to eat today. And I was doing fine. I had bought a whole pack of gum at the drugstore and was planning to use it for the whole month or two.

"S-sure." I started rubbing my arms nervously. My arms were starting to itch from the cotton sleeves and old scars reacting to the cheap material.

* * *

At the usual café, sitting in front of Ayaka was a little new. Ayaka had trimmed her hair and she looked more mature. It had affected Hiro too. Hiro wore more expensive brand name clothes. He was more polite but that was no problem.

Hiro said it was a beautiful day and declared we get anything we wanted. My forehead creased. Hiro asked the waiter to get him some tempura and Ayaka wanted korokke. Jeez. They both are so greasy and deep fried.

"Ahh…how about gomaae?" They looked at me in disbelief.

Ayaka spoke up. "Shuichi, that's a side dish."

I chuckled. "I was just kidding. I actually want…" I looked quickly down the menu for a light meal. "Tekka domburi, sounds good."

Both had compiled and I breathed a sigh of relief. Yum, tekkadon had maguro. Was raw tuna fattening? And I didn't want to eat all that rice.

After we ate, Hiro and Ayaka said they were going home. "You want to come over for a while or do you need us to drop you off at Yuki's?" Hiro offered.

"No thank you." I said, declining. My heart felt like a hammer smacked it. It was either from all that food I forcefully ate or it was when Hiro still thought I lived with Yuki.

I miss Yuki so much and I will right my wrongs.

* * *

I rushed home before the food digested down my throat and turned to disgusting fattish slob. Quickly taking off my shoes, I rushed to the toilet and knelt down.

Oh my god. I'm going to purge. I've never done this before. And to Hiro's food? How could I clear that? New to this, I took out my index finger and poked around the insides of my mouth.

My eyes rolled back and this horrible sensation took over me. My body felt like jelly and I felt dizzy. On instinct, I brought my head to toilet bowl and gripped anything in close range.

I rested my head on the side of the bowl surface. Whimpering I whispered, _I love you Yuki_ before I drifted off to sleep.

* * *

On my bed, I was sitting cross-legged. I had some pieces of paper in front of me and a pen and pencil. It was lyric-thinking time but my mind was totally off.

My guilt from throwing up all of Hiro's food that he paid had saddened me. I can't believe that right after he bought that, I had just wasted it.

I deserve punishment. I uncrossed my legs and stumbled to one of my drawers. Where was that piece of heaven? That piece of untainted steel that would heal all my troubles? Darn it. My legs had grown numb and they felt like little needles poking everywhere below my waist.

I found the glass I immediately had called Yuki. I mean, all he has done was told me the stupid things I needed to fix. I owe him as much respect I could give him.

I snatched the smooth entity. Pressing down the sharp object entranced me. It was so beautiful. All that blood-all that guilt and sin seemed to be pouring out. I smiled. I was cleansing myself and…

It had felt wonderful.

* * *

Mar. 28

I had 'washed' all my sins today and yesterday. By the way, I had exclusively chewed on gum for this whole week. It is going great. Although the scars would permanently stay, I think they are displayed there to constantly show me that my punishments never go away actually. They are there to show how weak I am. How stupid and ugly I am. They are punishments I should have received a long time ago.

I despise purging but doing it for Yuki just brightens my whole day up. However, cutting myself is a whole other thing. My piece of glass, my Yuki. It's like having Yuki right there. He is telling me, lecturing me on my awful behavior. He is releasing all the atrocious things in me. I know he loves me. I mean…why else would he do this if cutting doesn't feel like sex?

* * *

Let's see what happens with Shuichi's bad sex experience in fourth cut

Now to my reviewers:

**RyuichiIncarnate**: I'm not a cutter though now I feel like my story is now not up to par since I don't have actual experience. Oo.

**sansty-san**: I'm so flattered! Thank you and keep reading my story! XD

**LoveNeverWantedMe**: I've totally listened to you and updated as soon as possible. Notice the way I write Shuichi's point of view. He is very straightforward but his attitude holds immaturity. Remember my first chapter when Shuichi said 'super duper'. chuckle

**DemonicDragon666**: sigh Unfortunately, Yuki is still an ass. I too cannot wait until Yuki realizes the mistakes he has drawn.


	4. fourth cut

Title: It Cuts My Heart

Disclaimer: Gravitation does not belong to me. It belongs to the amazing manga-ka Murakami Maki!

Rating: probably the most mature. M, right?

Warnings: there are a lot of warnings considering the title says 'cuts' in it so my story has to do with cutting, definitely YAOI, mega depressing, and some abuse……beware for the fictitious-ness of everything I'm writing

Author's Note: I'm like a beginner at stories but that doesn't mean your comments can be lenient. Give me all you got and constructive criticism is a must!

* * *

fourth cut

It's so pathetic, huh? I mean, remembering the last time I had sex with Yuki…is kinda sad. Right? Last time I had sex with him was…oh god.

I'm laughing and sobbing. It was three months.

How come they won't stop? These tears just keep flowing. Down my arms.

"Hey, kid. What's wrong?"

I turn my head. The man was lying on the headboard. He had one eye closed and the other one gave a wary stare at me.

I wipe my eyes and sniff. "It's nothing."

The bedsheets move a bit. He wraps his arms around me. I hear his lips move on my neck. Its warm and tickling me.

"You could tell me anything," he whispers, huskily. "Didn't you want me to teach you?"

I close my eyes. _Yuki, do you know I'm giving you everything? I'll have you Yuki. I will. _

* * *

Jun. 5

My Yuki is…amazing. I mean, sometimes I seriously can't handle all that faking. Why can't they see through it? Bunch of idiots. But it gets stressful. It gets tiring. It's like a second job. Jeez. I already have one on singing. Anyways, what I was saying was that if it gets too stressful, I'll go to my Yuki.

I think there is hope that soon…the real Yuki will come. Yes he would come but if he can't…I still have my other Yuki. My other Yuki solves my troubles. He tells me that it's okay. He sort of corrects my problems. Most days I wait anxiously until rehearsal is over and rush home. I never release in the studio. They might catch me. That's when I get scared. They might steal my Yuki. He's mine.

* * *

I just told Hiro that I'm rushing home to see Yuki. I don't get sad anymore. It's kinda true. I am seeing my Yuki.

The piece of glass is like home away from home.

Opening the door to my apartment, I pass my kitchen. What the-

I received some messages. I press the 'play' button.

_Hello, Shindou-san. This is Tohma Seguchi. I have just called to say hi. Yuki is doing well. On a lighter note, I am wondering if I could see your new place. How about this Saturday. Sounds good? _

Beep.

I just froze. My heart felt like it just stopped or just accelerated. Oh shit. How did Seguchi-san find out where I lived?

Of course, he had connections. Oh my god. How about if he tells Yuki? Yuki will be so angry. And I haven't even lost all that extra weight yet! Damn. This is not good. Not good at all.

I patted down my tie. Have to look good, you know? Seguchi-san is coming to my house and it won't be a wonder if he is disgusted by my pad.

I wished with all my might that he didn't tell anybody else about where I lived.

Ding.

Shit. Shit. Shit. Okay, cool down. I stride to the door. Now to put on the happy face. I breath in.

I stare at Tohma Seguchi, my boss. He's smiling and he is wearing that fur coat with some black slacks. Isn't he hot? It's such a warm day.

He puts his head to one side. "Hello, Shindou-san. Pleasure to see you out of a working environment. May I enter?"

"O-of course." I step aside to let him in. Blushing, I take his coat and hang it. Not to self: Need my Yuki after this.

* * *

I bring him to the living room which branches off to my bedroom and the kitchen. I point him to a seat. "You may sit here. I'll return with some tea, if you don't mind. What would you like? Gyokuro, houjicha, or kocha?"

He smiled again. It made me shudder. "Houjicha will be fine." (A/N: This ALWAYS happens when I have a guest at my house. Total routine. I usually drink matcha or Chinese tea like chrysanthemum tea.)

I walk to my kitchen. Panicking. Did I safely put my Yuki away? Oh jeez. Please tell me it's safely in the drawer.

I quickly made a kettle of hot houjicha and grabbed a tray with two cups.

Entering the living room again, I place the tray at the table. Still standing, I put a cup towards him and another toward where I was going to sit. I get the kettle pouring his cup first, then my own.

I sit down and wait until he takes a sip. I get my cup holding it and placing one of my hands on the bottom. He puts down his cup. I follow suit.

"You have a wonderful place, Shindou-san."

I smile. "Why thank you! Would you like to have a tour?"

"That would be nice."

After a few pleasant comments, I put the tray away and we walked around my house. It wasn't big so I didn't take long.

When he was about to leave, I grabbed his coat and helped put it on for him. He was about to open the door but then he said," Rest assured, dear Shindou-san. I have not told the others but soon they will know. This misunderstanding will not help your troubles. Not Yuki, not you. I will be happy see you at work soon. Thank you for the hospitality, Shindou-san."

He left. And he left me in confusion. I shook it off. Loosening my tie, I wondered. Now where is my Yuki?

* * *

I am sooooooo bored. I flipped on the telly and my eyes widened. Yuki was having an interview. And it just ended. Damn. What did he say? What did the interviewer say?

I need to get out. I grasp a light jacket and my keys. Walking blindly on the streets, I see couples, truly happy faces, and…food. I get face to face to a glass window but all I see is the food displayed. So good. There is yakitori. Some salarymen are washing it down with hot sake.

All that chicken and leek. Glazed with soya sauce and maple syrup. Just one little bite. One tiny bite. I swear.

I scarfed that baby down like crazy. I must've looked like a madman. Never tasted something so delicious. Yakitori beat my flavored gum by a mile. But I knew it had to end.

I cleansed myself from it and my Yuki punished me. (A/N #2: Yakitori is sooooo good. I mean it. You've gotta try it-if you're not a vegetarian. )

* * *

Jun. 9

I miss food. I really do. But to lighten myself up, I got all different flavored gum to satisfy my hunger. I won't have the 'yakitori incident' again as I call it. I got strawberry flavored. My favorite! And…mint, mango, watermelon, grape, red bean, coca-cola, and plum. I could go on and on.

We have a tour coming soon and I need to pack up some stuff. Improving my sex experience will just have to wait. But experimenting had taught me some new things. It's interesting. I think I'll get use to this.

* * *

I was rushing out of NG Studios. I need my Yuki. Shit.

Ow. I'm on the floor and I saw specks of black. I groan and look up to see-

Yuki. No. No. I shake my head. It can't be. "Y-yuki?"

I faced a young man who seemed to work here. He looked so much like him. Even his hair. Blond.

He seemed flustered. "Are you okay? I'm sorry. I wasn't looking. It is my fault." He bowed.

I stood up and bowed lower. "No, no. I was rushing."

He smiled. "You have called me Yuki. Do you mean Yuki Eiri?"

My heart pounded. I miss him so much.

"It's just that people think I am him because of my appearance. Oh. Forget about it. Unnneccessary….."

His voice just drifted away. I closed my eyes.

I found myself at home. I found myself in blood. My own blood. I groped around the floor and touch something cold and hard. I smile with relief. Dammit. What a mess I made.

* * *

Wait up for fifth cut. This chapter seriously sucked. Nothing much happened but you do get to see how Shuichi has mostly absorbed his time into obsessing on 'his Yuki'. And you get to see more Japanese accommodations. I promise there will be much more information on his improvement for sexual experience. A question: What is the importance of Tohma?

Now to my reviewers:

**sansty-san**: I have failed you. This chapter must have disappointed you. And for waiting patiently for such a bland chapter must have devastated you. I ask for your forgive-ness!

**DemonicDragon666**: I unfortunately failed you too. I will try to make fifth cut a better chapter!

**RyuichiIncarnate**: Thank you for your support! I wish to talk to you soon!

**DarkMetalAngel of Destruction**: Thank you for your reply. This chapter is awfully sad. Please review!

**Rayne of fire**: I feel so honored that my story has pleased you! Thank you for telling me your story. It makes me feel that the significance of It Cuts My Heart has greater meaning.

**ticklishhippo**: your reply made, like, no sense, girl. Plus, I hope you got me something from Quebec! Maybe like a box of maple syrup. I joke.

**LocketzVC**: Unfortunately, I focused this story mainly on Shuichi so I could convey his feelings and show my readers the experience he has had. Fortunately, Yuki will appear in this story…sooner than later.


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